Commercial ghosting: a reflection on the state we've reached

Ideas

21/02

The phenomenon to which I will refer in the following words is not new. In fact, I remember being aware of its existence at a very early stage in my professional experience and having heated team discussions about it almost 20 years ago. Despite its antiquity, it remains a current evil and appears to be on the rise, especially since the pandemic. I'm talking about ghosting, but in a professional context.

I'm not crazy about using foreign words, especially when there are alternatives in our beautiful and versatile language. However, this seems to be one of those cases where we don't have a word in Portuguese for a literal translation. The excellent website "Ciberdúvidas da Língua Portuguesa" refers to one of my favorite exercises when exploring a concept: understanding the etymological origin of the word. Not infrequently, this exercise richly educates our understanding of the phenomenon we are observing and investigating. Let's explore.

'To understand, let's go back to the ancient roots of the word ghost. Originating from Old English gast, it has meanings ranging from "breath" to "good or evil spirit, angel, demon; person, man, human being". In its biblical connotation, its meaning is "soul, spirit, life". This word was inherited from its Western proto-Germanic form gaistaz, which is thought to come from an Indo-European root, gheis-, used in vocabulary construction linked to the notions of excitement, amazement or fear. On the other hand, the idea of a spirit or soul associated with the word ghost - the transition of the word throughout the different phases of English led to this current spelling - is perpetuated throughout the Germanic languages throughout history (Online Etymology Dictionary). In addition, ghost can also appear in a compound verb, to ghost-write, from 1922, formed from ghost-writing, from 1919(Ibidem). We are therefore talking about someone who is hired to write a book, for example, on behalf of someone else, who signs the document.'¹

Although the term is more often used in the personal sphere ²ghosting has also been described in a professional context. In this field, the phenomenon has been described above all in recruitment situations, both by recruiters and candidates. I won't be discussing this type of experience.

For those who haven't come across this foreign word, its meaning may seem familiar from their own experience: it's the sudden, unexpected and absolute absence of news of someone with whom you had a relationship; it's a disappearance without explanation or justification; it's a silence that turns from doubt to offense, that transforms healthy anticipation into intentional or negligent aggression; it's an abandonment whose effect is felt in crescendo.

I confess that I've been putting off writing this article. The first time, a long time ago, I put it off for years. The reason was, above all, a lack of confidence. This second time, the postponement lasted only weeks. The reason was prudence. I'll explain: I had a recent experience of "professionalghosting ", which angered, outraged and irritated me. I didn't want this text to be a rhetorical speech, exalted and angry, full of indignation and complaints about the state of things. On the other hand, hoping that the time that has passed between the last "occurrence" and the moment at which I write, alluding to Salgueiro Maia, I like to think that I will be offering a simple contribution to the revolution that is required. "The state we've reached" not only irritates me, it worries me.

Over the years, I've learned to normalize this type of situation. However, I failed and continue to fail this normalization test. I've never been able to accept as "normal" the lack of response to contact attempts after a relationship has been established, no matter how insignificant. I'm not referring to the kind of unsolicited contact with commercial intent that is often called a cold call (another expression that, due to my ignorance, I don't know in Portuguese). I'm referring to situations where there has been a request, often followed by one or more meetings, and even a proposal for collaboration.

There are even cases where the professional relationship has overflowed and become, at the very least, pseudo-personal. In any of the paths that result in professional ghosting, in an apparently simple way for those who receive such ghostly behavior, as described, all communication ceases. At such times, when overbearingness is not the recipient's tendency, the question arises: "Has something happened? Have the emails been filtered and left to rot in the 'trash'?" After a while, the doubt sets in and begins to spread, like a root in search of water: "Have I done something wrong, without realizing it?" Channels change, asynchronous methods are exchanged for synchronous ones, and it's when these fail that the doubt turns into amazement or indignation. When phone calls are rejected, when we avoid someone who shares the same physical space or, worse, when we are greeted without any reference to the contacts we have made, there is no doubt: we are victims of this phenomenon.

You won't need to do much research into the numerous articles available on the subject ³ to list a considerable number of hypotheses about the reasons why some people become ghosts. The same applies to the negative consequences that arise in those who are "haunted" by these behaviors and the potential reputational damage in those who become "ghosts". I don't intend to analyze each of these reasons or consequences. Rather, I want to reflect on the phenomenon that has led me to extrapolate it to other contexts in today's life: the relationship between overload and respect.

The thesis: when my ideas lead me to a more understanding attitude, I conclude that we are all overloaded. It's not even necessary to resort to studies, research and data. Empirical experience, both my own and observation of others, shows us that we live in a state of abundance. Unfortunately, it's not the kind that self-help gurus advocate. We have too many "fronts" open at the same time. We're preoccupied with events, near and far, that are too important to put into perspective. In addition, there are suspicions that the pandemic has left us with a kind of fatigue - physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual - that is permanent, long-lasting and that we still don't fully understand. Added to these demands is the unstoppable wave of notifications coming from different devices with which we are increasingly symbiotic. Abundance undermines our ability to judge and, as a result, to make better decisions ⁴.

The antithesis is simpler: when I get angry, upset and indignant, the ideas surrounding these feelings lead me to believe that behaviour such as ghosting is simply a lack of respect, politeness and consideration. In this state, no reason is good enough for me. The difficulty in saying "no", the avoidance of conflict, the overload, the apathy do not serve as an explanation. In this state, it's easy to feed other types of conspiracy theories, more or less credible. Cases of "espionage" or profiteering are well known, such as the unfortunate practice of would-be clients seeking solutions from potential suppliers and then implementing them with internal resources or using regular partners.

A possible summary: the world we live in and the way we live in it leads us to trivialize respect and consideration. Our increasingly digital lives make relationships more easily disposable. The digital environment makes us seem connected, but being connected is not the same as establishing relationships. It is curious that the equivalent of the municipality where Meta - the owner of Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp - is based, has declared loneliness a public health emergency. ⁵. When the quality of relationships declines, our empathic capacity goes with it, making it harder to understand and imagine feeling what others might feel. Or perhaps it's the decline in this type of capacity that leads to the decline in the quality of relationships. On the other hand, the digital environment makes us hostage to email and other equivalent platforms. The expectation that something important will come up at any moment reinforces our dependence and symbiosis with the devices that allow us to be connected to everything and everyone, all the time. If we add to all this a generous pinch of individualism, which seems to be growing, also driven by the digital context in which we spend more and more time, a perfect social and human storm is formed.

I find it alarming that we can no longer distinguish between ourselves and others. Not in the fusional sense, but in its opposite. The border disappears because it doesn't exist. There are no others, their needs or desires, only ours. Or, on the other hand, only those of others exist and ours are canceled out indefinitely. Either scenario leads us to feel danger: the danger of isolation or the danger of annulment.

Expectation and uncertainty eat away at us slowly and consistently. It's easier for us to know that the outcome is negative than not to know the outcome ⁶. So, in conclusion, theses, antitheses and syntheses aside, dear people, please respond. If only to tell us to fuck off.

Written for Link to Leaders on February 12, 2024, published on February 21, 2024.